guidance from beyond: how to effectively connect with spirits
The Conjuring House, Lizzie Borden House, USS Salem
Playing ball for an hour with Henry the ghost, a child spirit who lives at The Conjuring House, is a memory I will cherish for the rest of my life. I knew ghost hunting in some of the most famously haunted locations in the country would be special, but I didn’t know it would be life changing. I’m a bit skeptical, but I’ve never needed much convincing that ghosts are real. That said, New England brought receipts.
I plan to do a post on each location, so I won’t get too into the weeds here. I learn something new every time I go out looking for spirits, and I wanted to pass along my two cents for those who aren’t sure, who are maybe just getting started and want to hear more about contacting spirits.
Or maybe you’ve already been ghost hunting before, but you’re looking to have a more meaningful encounter. This post is for anyone trying to establish a deeper connection.
But mostly this is a post about gratitude. How lucky I feel to be in these charming old buildings at the most gorgeous time of year. To be acquainted and trusted with these beautiful souls, who are taking the time to share their afterlives with a complete stranger. Here are some things they have taught me.
Start with respect
Period. Don’t start out by calling them demons or yelling at them or trying to provoke them. This isn’t Zak Bagans’ Ghost Adventures.
Say hello. Introduce yourself. Explain why you’re here and what you’d like them to know. Ask questions. Listen. Say goodbye when you're ready to leave. (Good advice for communicating with the living as well.)
My favorite podcaster, Roz Hernandez from Ghosted! by Roz Herandez, uses the example of a party. You wouldn’t just walk into a party and start asking awkward questions to a stranger (“Why are you here? What do you want? Are you a demon? How did you die?”) without at least introducing yourself first and letting them know your intentions. It’s just rude.
Tread Lightly
Don’t assume that every spirit knows how to use your equipment, especially if you’re in a new location that has never been investigated before. You may have to walk them through it. Tell them what it’s for and show them how to use it. If they aren’t interested, move on and try something else.
Please don’t ask spirits if there’s anything you can do to help unless you’re actually willing to help them. Be clear if you’re not able to do something that is requested of you. Relay all requests back to the owner or your guide for the location. Make sure they are aware that the spirits are asking for something, and hopefully they can make it happen.
Don’t assume the spirits know they are dead. I prefer not to even talk about it unless they ask or bring it up. Handle with care. For God’s sake, don’t ask them if they want to cross over if you don’t know how to cross them over. Even if you think you know how, it’s very rarely done effectively. Nobody truly knows what happens when we die. And it’s not really our business to know, or to try and interfere with someone else’s life (or afterlife) in this way. Best to not even go there.
Opt for a tour guide
I’m the first person to talk smack about ghost tours. They can be the worst - overhyped, kitschy gimmicks run by bad actors trying to make a buck with a badly told story. You really have to do your homework to find a good one.
I’m also a solo investigator who doesn’t like to rely on others. I get why you’d want to investigate alone. It’s inconvenient to be dependent on other people’s schedules. I’d rather travel alone than with someone else any day, and I’m not afraid of being vulnerable with spirits.
But all of that said, if you’re investigating a home or a known haunted location, definitely step aside and defer to the guides. Even if you’ve been ghost hunting all your life, you are not an expert on this location or the spirits present. The people leading the tours and investigations know more than you when it comes to getting a response from these particular spirits.
They have the stories and they know where all the hot spots are. They know the equipment the spirits are familiar with, and how they typically respond. On the USS Salem, our guides knew that the spirits like to use multiple REM-pods to communicate in the mess hall, but dowsing rods are preferred in the officer’s lounge. They know who typically hangs out in each room, and what they like to talk about.
More importantly, the spirits know the guides. There’s a relationship between the living and the dead who frequently share the same space. There’s mutual trust and common ground. Your guide should know how to build rapport. They shouldn’t be bugging the spirits with the same old questions over and over again. They shouldn’t be saying things to provoke them (see above regarding respect). They know what the spirits will find boring and what’s going to illicit a response. There’s a shared history. They can talk about what happened last night when it was storming and the power went out. They can talk about that day last week when the ghost cat kept making an appearance and stirring things up.
Let’s go back to the party example. You might show up to a random party where you don’t know anyone and nobody knows you. You might introduce yourself and meet some people. You might even have a good time.
But what if you show up and get to know the host a little? The host already knows the other guests - they can introduce you. They can vouch for you. The guests are more at ease because they trust the host and know they wouldn’t invite just anyone over without setting some ground rules.
And the host can give you the background scoop on the other guests and what you need to watch out for. They can give you a head’s up about the asshole in the basement who might go off and call you a bitch for no reason. Steer clear if that’s not the type of interaction you’re looking to have.
Set the scene + Trigger Objects
Know your audience. Leverage your guide here, if you have one. Steer the conversation and the objects you are using to better relate with the spirits you know about. If you’re talking to a woman from the 1800s who was very religious, she probably won’t respond well to cursing. (Although cursing might be more appropriate in a prison or galley kitchen.) She will likely respond better to polite conversation with a Bible or religious items lying around.
Play with the toys! Toys are great trigger objects for kids. I get it - old dolls can be creepy. And nobody likes the idea of a ghost kid walking around. But they can actually be very sweet and playful! As with living kids, it’s good to get down on their level. Use positive, upbeat language. Laugh and play games. Clap your hands and stomp your feet.
*Caveat: I hate it when ghost hunters use baby talk or talk down to spirits like they would a pet or a kid. You know, the condescending sing-song voice. But in the case of child spirits, I think it’s ok and even helpful to talk to them as if they were any other child, depending on their suspected age.
At the Conjuring House, we had a complete recipe for success, and our session with Henry, the beloved child ghost, is the best encounter I’ve ever had. Our guide leading the session was a mom herself, someone Henry trusted and had played with several times. We had a kid listening to the spirit box, so it was easier for her to tune into his energy. And there were several teenage boys in the room as well. I really think that did the trick! When I was a little girl, I would have given anything to have my teenage older sisters play dolls with me. Little kids love teenagers.
At the Lizzie Borden house, we spoke with someone who talked about having meetings and signing contracts in the dining room. Maybe we would have had a better chance of getting responses if we’d had some business ledgers or asked him about his occupation. We could have had a desk and quills, instead of autopsy details and crime scene photos at the dining room table. In hind sight, he really wasn’t all that keen to talk.
On the USS Salem, several of the spirits were Marines who had either died on the ship or were drawn to the ship for other reasons. They responded best to the people leading the tour, two of which were men who used to be Marines themselves. One had worked on the ship for the past 15 years, so he’d seen it all and the ghosts were practically family.
Take the pressure off the spirits
A lot of these haunted locations are giving tours and running investigations on a daily basis. Asking spirits the same questions over and over again sucks. Making them relive the worst experiences of their life day after day is torture. Even if you’re getting good responses, it can be a lot of pressure with twenty people in a circle around a K2 EMF meter or Dead Bell asking over and over for a sign. It can very quickly turn into “Dance, Monkey, Dance!” vibes. I hate it.
If the spirits are chatty, it’s ok to be quiet. It’s ok to give them space and shut up and listen. But if they’re just not talking, then it could be too much at once. Take the focus off the ghosts and just enjoy your surroundings. Talk about what you know about the place, and ask questions of your guide if you have one. They are a wealth of knowledge.
If you have any books or stories about the place, or from their alleged time period, now would be a good time to pull them out and start reading aloud. The spirits tend to perk up and might join in. If you shift your attention away from getting the spirits to talk and instead start talking amongst yourselves, you’ll either a) encourage the spirits to chime in and contribute to the conversation or b) make them annoyed that the focus is taken away from them, which will get them back on track.
Take the pressure off yourself
Paranormal investigating is supposed to be fun. Don’t worry about capturing every single piece of evidence or using every piece of equipment you brought. Take time to put your equipment down and try to be present. Rather than preoccupying yourself with getting all the evidence, focus on making a connection instead.
Humble yourself. Every tiny interaction with someone from the other side is pure magic and should be treated as such.
What if you don’t have any interactions? First of all, you probably have, but you’re too busy taking video of the REM-Pod in front of you that you’re missing the door opening behind you. But even if you’re truly getting nothing, don’t sweat. Take a breath and look around you. Try to embrace the moment and enjoy your surroundings.
You’re searching for ghosts. You’re probably in a super cool place, probably with fun people, most likely at night. You’re in a location that most people don’t get to see in this way, doing something that most people will never get to experience. And I think that’s pretty damn neat. For me, that’s a successful night.
Reconsider bringing someone who isn’t open to the paranormal
It’s important to be a little skeptical. Debunking is a thing. Not everything is a ghost. But please don’t bring your bestie along to the ghost hunt if they adamantly don’t believe in ghosts. You will not convince them. They’re either so against ghosts being real that they’ll never believe, even if a ghost slaps them in the face. Or they’re completely terrified of the idea that they might be real. Or both.
I can’t tell you how many amateurs I’ve met who are coming at it with the intention of proving ghosts are real. Or proving ghosts are real to someone they brought with them. You will never “prove” ghosts are real to people who don’t want to believe. Noises can be misconstrued, temperature and EMF fluctuations can be debunked, technology can be faked. If your sole focus is getting proof, you will miss the bigger picture. You won’t have a spiritual encounter, you’ll have a confusing science experiment and you’ll likely miss the forest for the trees.
Bringing someone who isn’t open to ghosts to a ghost hunt is like bringing your significant other who only drinks beer to a wine tasting. It’s pointless and they’re only going to bring everybody else down. Especially the ghosts. (The exception to this rule is the Conjuring House, where the spirits tend to target the biggest skeptic in the room and lure them down to the basement. God I love that place!) Just do us all a favor and leave the nonbeliever at home.
I really want to stress that if you do feel like you had a paranormal experience, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. You are valid, your experience is valid, and don’t let anyone gaslight you into debunking something that you know you felt. It’s your spiritual journey, and yours alone. Don’t let anyone take that away from you.
Savor the little things
Take some time for play with no agenda. Roll a ball on the floor over and over with a child, and relish their laughter, their radiant wonder, their pure unmitigated joy at a simple ball rolling. Or Thomas the Train wheeling back and forth. Bright colorful lights and counting to three and applauding when something exciting happens! Truly stop and appreciate that this is what it’s all about. This is all there is. Take a moment to enjoy it. You may never get this moment back. Try to enjoy your life. And like my ghost friend Henry, find happiness in the sheer simplicity of play.
If you liked these tips, I’ll be talking more about ghost hunting equipment and techniques in one of my upcoming posts. ‘‘Tis the season of haunted houses and spooky shenanigans, so I want you all to be prepared. If you have any specific questions or concerns, feel free to let me know in the comments.
Sources and further reading:
You can also leave a tip or buy me a coffee if you are so inclined.
If this post has stirred your spirit, let your presence be known by clicking the heart and restack icons, or by leaving a comment below. Your engagement can summon other wandering souls to this collection, and I am yearning to hear your haunted reflections. Thank you.
I love this so much. Such a breath of fresh air to be reminded that we should just embrace the experience, and "take the time to play with no agenda," and that spirits may not want to meet the demand to perform over and over again. Fabulous, fabulous stuff!
This was such a cool read! I loved the images and especially the part about being grateful for being in these buildings. I have never even heard of ghost hunting but it’s beautiful how you write about it xx